daichi and suzu are.... at least 8 years old characters now. after I made them they started to take on a self-insert or self-representation quality as ocs tend to... I put into them my feelings of what I wanted in love (in the future), and interpretations of who i thought I am, I grew very very close to daichi and would sometimes sub him in instead of myself in my thoughts. Dressing, acting, and exercising myself judging the world like he would became a way to make doing mundane but difficult things like leaving the house or being alone with myself easier, and also I got to know him and suzu's dynamic really well through & through. I coveted their bodies too as I started having dysphoria around these times (but I didn't know what it was). the ways they interacted with eachother, where they lived, their whole way of existing were pretty much my ideal, as someone who had yet never, and resigned to the likelihood I'd never date or love anyone or have sex.
I've mentioned to some people before of feeling like I've had a "falling out" with my ocs, daichi and suzu in particular, but idk if I've told all but maybe one exactly why... all those ideals I had were things I was able to get enjoyment and happiness from just thinking about, but I brought them with me into my first relationship, which ended up dragging out over almost 2 years and being very painful, crashing and falling apart slowly and unstoppably. At the time I felt, even though I'd acted on my ideals, that I'd been soooo let down, and the ideals I held took on a sour taste when I'd think about them. I couldn't value them anymore because I felt I'd seen how they would play out, in my own relationship which had been so messed up and unfixable. So I couldn't bear to deal with daichi and suzu anymore because I honestly felt like ~love was a bunch of crap~ and everything I'd written for them was worthless because it was impossible. I could only ever imagine them unhappy like I was. I ignored them for a while (I actually ignored most things for a while), I drew shallower characters around that time so I could keep drawing but not have to confront anything emotional. I feel like lately I'm ready to get on with things though and reclaim what i'd abandoned, but I'm thinking about how to do that now. I think I know how to keep more distrance now. I need to not let characters become so exactly like me that my expectations for real things are warped. Things that would ultimately make sense for daichi, but that I would never do, I can't shut that out anymore jsut to please myself. this sounds weird but it's bad for daichi's integrity lol. for instance if I honestly want to experiment with the idea that daichi takes up smoking cigarettes for instance, even though I am puritanically against them for myself, I can do that. I AM actually historically good at separating reality from fiction, things that work in reality vs things that are ok in fiction (aforementioned relationship was an exception for reasons that would run this post out even longer..... and mainly why I was so humiliated and horrified at myself for letting things happen that I knew would NEVER WORK). It's frankly bad how much I've been twisted towards the idea that you can't write about things you don't personally believe in, or that i you present or explore something it means you condone it. that's a very juvenile, simplistic way to interpret things especially on someone like me who draws for fun and not to send a message or make an impact on the world at all. I can't be sucked in by that anymore. but yeah anyway, I AM going to get daichi and suzu back, and i'm gonna remember how to love/value myself in the process.
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AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Past Posts
April 2016
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