I was messig around trying to adjust suzu's hairstyle so I can stop bullying him. and fiol wanted to see what he'd look like without curtain hair (I was so unnerved by it at first but looking at it now I think I may use it at some point HAHAH) I may as well post some suzu-y songs and annotate them Suzu plays piano so I'm liable to associate every piano song I hear with him, but erik satie in particular is special. I could probably score the whole story with just his music. it's annoying trying to link classical songs because depending on who plays them the effect can be really different I wanted to have a more evocative drawing to go with these but well, I can't just think and have a drawing appear so that's not gonna happen this time around lol first is Erik Satie's Gnossienne no. 1 this is suzu's overarching theme music lol. the way the song goes back and forth between meandering&quiet, to strident and louder is what's important here. Suzu can tend to be hot&cold, and change attitude with small provocations. He shifts between outward anger and wrath towards people he views as not on his side, to inwardly turned anger and melancholy at himself for being that way. He has trouble bridging the gap between his inner self and the way he acts towards others. The pace and fluctuation of the song match these fluctuations in himself and reflect how he reacts to himself as well... it's something I can really imagine him playing after having an explosive argument with his mother or something, cycling through his feelings being angry at her and being pitiable or disappointed in himself. And something about the key (idk anything about music a ha ha), it sounds unsettled right off the bat. This whole song gives me words that describe how suzu approaches people in general, apprehensive, masked, volatile, guarded.... contrast this song with gymnopedies no. 1 which is what suzu learns to play and shows daichi upon first inviting him to his house. it's much more even and comfortable sounding (until 3:04) and expresses how he feels with daichi. This isn't an impressive sort of song that suzu might normally want to play, like something technically difficult which he would play to impress people (distancing himself from them by differentiating himself with his talent) it's an accessible and emotive song he can connect with someone by playing. it's the feeling of comfort he has when he asks daichi to sit next to him to see the song he practiced wtih him in mind, not trying to impress him just make him happy.
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daichi and suzu are.... at least 8 years old characters now. after I made them they started to take on a self-insert or self-representation quality as ocs tend to... I put into them my feelings of what I wanted in love (in the future), and interpretations of who i thought I am, I grew very very close to daichi and would sometimes sub him in instead of myself in my thoughts. Dressing, acting, and exercising myself judging the world like he would became a way to make doing mundane but difficult things like leaving the house or being alone with myself easier, and also I got to know him and suzu's dynamic really well through & through. I coveted their bodies too as I started having dysphoria around these times (but I didn't know what it was). the ways they interacted with eachother, where they lived, their whole way of existing were pretty much my ideal, as someone who had yet never, and resigned to the likelihood I'd never date or love anyone or have sex.
I've mentioned to some people before of feeling like I've had a "falling out" with my ocs, daichi and suzu in particular, but idk if I've told all but maybe one exactly why... all those ideals I had were things I was able to get enjoyment and happiness from just thinking about, but I brought them with me into my first relationship, which ended up dragging out over almost 2 years and being very painful, crashing and falling apart slowly and unstoppably. At the time I felt, even though I'd acted on my ideals, that I'd been soooo let down, and the ideals I held took on a sour taste when I'd think about them. I couldn't value them anymore because I felt I'd seen how they would play out, in my own relationship which had been so messed up and unfixable. So I couldn't bear to deal with daichi and suzu anymore because I honestly felt like ~love was a bunch of crap~ and everything I'd written for them was worthless because it was impossible. I could only ever imagine them unhappy like I was. I ignored them for a while (I actually ignored most things for a while), I drew shallower characters around that time so I could keep drawing but not have to confront anything emotional. I feel like lately I'm ready to get on with things though and reclaim what i'd abandoned, but I'm thinking about how to do that now. I think I know how to keep more distrance now. I need to not let characters become so exactly like me that my expectations for real things are warped. Things that would ultimately make sense for daichi, but that I would never do, I can't shut that out anymore jsut to please myself. this sounds weird but it's bad for daichi's integrity lol. for instance if I honestly want to experiment with the idea that daichi takes up smoking cigarettes for instance, even though I am puritanically against them for myself, I can do that. I AM actually historically good at separating reality from fiction, things that work in reality vs things that are ok in fiction (aforementioned relationship was an exception for reasons that would run this post out even longer..... and mainly why I was so humiliated and horrified at myself for letting things happen that I knew would NEVER WORK). It's frankly bad how much I've been twisted towards the idea that you can't write about things you don't personally believe in, or that i you present or explore something it means you condone it. that's a very juvenile, simplistic way to interpret things especially on someone like me who draws for fun and not to send a message or make an impact on the world at all. I can't be sucked in by that anymore. but yeah anyway, I AM going to get daichi and suzu back, and i'm gonna remember how to love/value myself in the process. |
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April 2016
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